clothed in robes of confusion

This is beauty:

She goes by the name of life. Clothed in robes of confusion. A whirlwind of emotions constantly stirring. We all know her well, yet few understand her. Some appreciate her to the fullest and others despise her more than anything that they chose her mortal enemy, Death. Some days I wake up and feel her adoration on my face with the kiss of the sun and the hug of cool breeze. Other days I feel her wrath slashing at my heart from the utter chaos of all things horrible. She tries to blind us with walls of pain and bitterness, but I will chose to love her for moments when she shines a light of love. Her most beautiful outfits are found in forests in the middle of spring with flowers bursting from the trees, the waves reflecting the sun come up over the horizon. She is an old friend with many personalities, constantly changing. Yet always pushing me to be a better and stronger person.

A moment lost?

I have loved you for what seems an eternity, yet you have never seen me in that light. Except for one brief moment in time. Your lips were exceedingly close to mine. I asked for a water because my mouth was too dry. I was scared. You I had loved for so many years finally wanted ME. Your head came in closer and I shook mine. It could not happen, this moment was not right. When we talk I wonder if you recognize the beat in my heart screaming as though it was going to jump out. You kissed me on the forehead and walked me to my car, after we talked for a long time. Should I regret the moment missed or be thankful that nothing happened? Do I deserve to have someone feel the way about me that I have always felt for you? I push so many guys away because they do not measure up. I respect you, and by you that encompasses your heart, mind, and soul. You are talented in every way. People everywhere love you. You are lost and searching but for one minute I wish you could see that in me you could be found.

illusion of my imagination?

Since I was a little girl I had an image of what I believed life would be like to grow up. My mind was distorted with happiness and hope. Life does not just float down a river of sunshine and this harsh reality is hitting me in the face. I mean don't we all just want to be happy and footloose and fancy free? Its as though I was not created to be where I am in life. Responsibility has bit the joy out of my existence and spit on me. Its as though I am swimming in an ocean of life's lessons and each lesson is a wave crashing on me and throwing me under the tide. Right as I feel that I am on the breech of gasping air another wave crashes down. I am drowning in this ocean. I just desire to stay afloat for more than a minute.

When I was little I imagined a life with him. (him being the man of my dreams) He would take me on dates and wine and dine me. I would be glamorous, laughing as others walked by not caring about the world because my world resided with him. I imagined being safe with him and in his embrace. That I could fully be me and that he would be passionately in love with who I am and what I stand for. That just being in each others existence was more than enough. Then I woke up to the bitter actualization that I may never ever find him. In this generation it seems like everyone has been with everyone. The man of my dreams has become a nightmare. I have to worry now if a guy takes me out what does he want from me after dinner? Can he not be happy just to spend time with me? Does he even listen to the words coming out of my mouth? Is the laughter just to get in my pants. That the embrace is not safety but a moment of pleasure to soon be discarded and forgotten. Once he gets what he wants why should he stay around? I want a man of virtue to come treat me with an ounce of respect. Is he real or is this an illusion of my imagination?

through the trees

I was alone in the forest, the wind rushed around the trees hitting my face softly. Sunshine made the leaves glitter. This moment in time is where i wished forever would reside. I want to find someone who would walk with me in the woods without saying anything, and soak up the beauty around us that God created. I have been thinking a lot lately about life and love and where I am headed and what God has in store for my life.

Confusion has been knocking at my door. Questions of why I do not let people in easly shakes me to my core.

I need answers, I need some help here!

condensation

Watching the condensation form on the outside of a cold cup on a hot summer day. The way the droplets form into a puddle on the table where it is sitting. then vanishes with the heat if there long enough. It brings me to the point of understanding that if I sit in the sun long enough, if enough time passes my heart will be warm once again.

What does it matter anyways if my heart is warm or not? who do I think I am to sit and sob over something I can not change? We are living in a day where materialistic things are in dominion over us all. It makes me sick.There are people all over the world hurting and if I can not see past my own issues to help them... well that would make me a pathetic person.

Part of me wishes that I had nothing, to where I would have to work all day just to survive. Where there are dirt red roads and no queen size beds, no beds at that! Where I would have to sleep in a hammock and cook each day over a fire.

The dream I am chasing is to have a camera, backpack, and granola bars. To travel to the unknown to find danger and adventure. Never will I allow fear to hold me back from that. Even if I take this adventure alone.

Being unwanted, unloved, uncared for, forgotten by everyone, I think that is a much greater hunger, a much greater poverty than the person who has nothing to eat. Mother Teresa

in between the raindrops

Today I went for a run to escape the emotions twirling inside. The headphones on drifting to the words, "What they call love is a risk, cause you will always get hit out of nowhere by some wave and end up on your own." The words stung as if shards of glass tore open my flesh. Why of all the people on this earth did it have to be you? You understood life, you just knew how to live. You were not afraid to call me out and say, "What the HELL are you thinking ash!?"

The rain hit my face as my pace quickened. This is not a feeling of a never ending chill for you would not appreciate the tears that fall down from my eyes. You know I can not wrap my brain around the idea that you are really gone. Perhaps it has not hit me yet. It will happen in about a month when I am excited to tell you all about how Haiti was, or when I just want someone to talk to.

You would understand this, as I was running the air was warm and i felt it on my skin between the raindrops, never have i felt such beauty. I feel close to you in these moments. I will forever see you in things of beauty for you were beauty.

The light has gone dim this evening and in a matter of hours I will be at your funeral, but dear sir know that my tears are tears of thanks to God for blessing me to have known such a soul as yours. This will be a celebration to your life and all the people you have touched. You were not afraid to be real in this world where fakeness abides. So my dearest I will love you till my last breath and smile because you made me smile and laugh because you made me laugh and in moment when i am about to do something stupid your voice will chime in "What the hell are you thinking ash?"

Bucknucks ;)