illusion of my imagination?

Since I was a little girl I had an image of what I believed life would be like to grow up. My mind was distorted with happiness and hope. Life does not just float down a river of sunshine and this harsh reality is hitting me in the face. I mean don't we all just want to be happy and footloose and fancy free? Its as though I was not created to be where I am in life. Responsibility has bit the joy out of my existence and spit on me. Its as though I am swimming in an ocean of life's lessons and each lesson is a wave crashing on me and throwing me under the tide. Right as I feel that I am on the breech of gasping air another wave crashes down. I am drowning in this ocean. I just desire to stay afloat for more than a minute.

When I was little I imagined a life with him. (him being the man of my dreams) He would take me on dates and wine and dine me. I would be glamorous, laughing as others walked by not caring about the world because my world resided with him. I imagined being safe with him and in his embrace. That I could fully be me and that he would be passionately in love with who I am and what I stand for. That just being in each others existence was more than enough. Then I woke up to the bitter actualization that I may never ever find him. In this generation it seems like everyone has been with everyone. The man of my dreams has become a nightmare. I have to worry now if a guy takes me out what does he want from me after dinner? Can he not be happy just to spend time with me? Does he even listen to the words coming out of my mouth? Is the laughter just to get in my pants. That the embrace is not safety but a moment of pleasure to soon be discarded and forgotten. Once he gets what he wants why should he stay around? I want a man of virtue to come treat me with an ounce of respect. Is he real or is this an illusion of my imagination?