This journey I am on was not a mere encounter with fate. Though I do not see the final picture I do see the path leading to the finished piece of art. It is so easy when you know you are anointed but it is a completely different story when you wait for the appointing.  So instead of waiting for the light at the end of the tunnel I will find a flash light and enjoy the ride inside the tunnel till God allows me to reach that final destination of his perfect anointment. 

Today I will not allow the little bumps in the road affect my day. I will take each opportunity of heartache and distress to let me grow. I cherish the moments of happiness and run with them, I will save the memories for moments when The winding tunnel feels endless. If the batteries run out in my flash light I will close my eyes and pray...  After all my little light might help someone else out on their journey. 

silly boy

Secretly enticed at a young age, but would never admit, the antics that went on at that old warehouse. Hiding in the girls bathroom stall after antagonizing you assuming that you would not come in but, Nothing ever stopped you. You were mischief at its best and worst. As a child I acted like I could not stand you but was always mesmerized by what you were going to do next. Time drifted and we became teenagers, you gave me my first cigarette at McDonald's. You told me not to be a baby and I wanted to show you what was what, I coughed till tears wanted to come out of my eyes, you laughed and told me not to smoke anymore. You were a leader.

When our siblings dated for such a long time we were always together, me in the back of the car in the middle seat between the both of you, that is when you guys really became like my brothers. We spent so many hours together laughing and me being pestered out of my mind, I bet that the reason I became a hippie and stopped brushing my hair was because you would always come and mess it up, the more time I spent trying to look good, the worse I would look at the end of the night.

Yea you taught us how to be bad, Yes you would do anything (especially if someone doubted you), but... you were and always will be an ever consistent light. The time that guy almost hit me in the head with the door... You threw me over your shoulder and came at that man with so much rage I don't know how he is still living. You said no one ever touches my sister, I will FUCK you up! That is forever in my heart you are forever in my heart. You would not ever let anyone hurt me, if I needed someone at 4am or my car broke down you would be the first person to call. You were such a pain in my ass, but I would do anything to have that back. Your memories reside in our minds and bring a mixture of laughter among many tears. I wonder if the tears will ever stop falling.

Don't fret brother, We will never forget you.

To the people who never gave you a chance we all say "fuck you", they missed out on the most genuine and beautiful soul... I know your soul abides and that you walk with Jesus now, If heaven was not a party before you it is now and I can not wait to come dance with you. You were not a body you were a soul and that will never die.

For now I just want to say that I will love you till my last breath and it hurts to not have your body here, but I am comforted in the moment when people who did not know you ask me why I am so crazy, I giggle softly to myself and wisper, "You don't understand who my big brothers are..."

beauty to tears

Never sure if the emotions inside are authentic, they are changing invariably and though they seem completely real, and that I could never feel another way, they always differ within days. I fall in and out of love within weeks. I am like the girl who cried wolf but instead of being the one crying I am the wolf who is tearing out the hearts and ruins lives. Then at the moment I feel that I found the right one I have caused affliction to too many for it to be a reality. The wolf has been abolished and now I will reside in a state of utter confusion. I was not always like this, its a weakness that has drifted throughout my veins. I know that I care about him because to hurt him would be worse than if someone had shot me through the heart. He is free, free to love anyone and I will support with a smile because when you love that's what you do. How does one go about proving that they are no longer the wolf of a situation and that they could rely on them to always be there. He is my rock if only I could show him that I could be there the same way. Then again, is it love if you have to prove yourself? Is any love in that?

I know I love him because:

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Patience - He is patient with me in every situation, I am so much to handle at times. I lose everything, I am loud and completely crazy, I say and do the most obnoxious thing, yet he remains patient with me.

Kind - He is the most kind, tenderhearted soul, though he comes off as a complete ass sometimes his heart is made of gold.

Does not dishonor - He is the most honorable person that I know. People from all over trust him. I know that he always has my back.

Keeps no records of wrongs - So many things have happened that he could hold over my head, rather then hold it against me he laughs and helps me through it.

Always protects - He would never let anyone hurt me, the main reason he is pulling the strings of my heart is because I know that I am safe with him. ALWAYS!

Not self seeking - He is opposite of anything of selfish with me.

Hope - He brings hope into the world. Some people may not see it in him, but I have always seen his heart and he will change this world for the better. Whether it is with me or someone else. He is hope, he is what I cling to when I feel like my dreams are fading. He is encouragement.

I'm not sure where I am going with this, but words help me to figure out what is going on with my emotions.

clothed in robes of confusion

This is beauty:

She goes by the name of life. Clothed in robes of confusion. A whirlwind of emotions constantly stirring. We all know her well, yet few understand her. Some appreciate her to the fullest and others despise her more than anything that they chose her mortal enemy, Death. Some days I wake up and feel her adoration on my face with the kiss of the sun and the hug of cool breeze. Other days I feel her wrath slashing at my heart from the utter chaos of all things horrible. She tries to blind us with walls of pain and bitterness, but I will chose to love her for moments when she shines a light of love. Her most beautiful outfits are found in forests in the middle of spring with flowers bursting from the trees, the waves reflecting the sun come up over the horizon. She is an old friend with many personalities, constantly changing. Yet always pushing me to be a better and stronger person.

A moment lost?

I have loved you for what seems an eternity, yet you have never seen me in that light. Except for one brief moment in time. Your lips were exceedingly close to mine. I asked for a water because my mouth was too dry. I was scared. You I had loved for so many years finally wanted ME. Your head came in closer and I shook mine. It could not happen, this moment was not right. When we talk I wonder if you recognize the beat in my heart screaming as though it was going to jump out. You kissed me on the forehead and walked me to my car, after we talked for a long time. Should I regret the moment missed or be thankful that nothing happened? Do I deserve to have someone feel the way about me that I have always felt for you? I push so many guys away because they do not measure up. I respect you, and by you that encompasses your heart, mind, and soul. You are talented in every way. People everywhere love you. You are lost and searching but for one minute I wish you could see that in me you could be found.

illusion of my imagination?

Since I was a little girl I had an image of what I believed life would be like to grow up. My mind was distorted with happiness and hope. Life does not just float down a river of sunshine and this harsh reality is hitting me in the face. I mean don't we all just want to be happy and footloose and fancy free? Its as though I was not created to be where I am in life. Responsibility has bit the joy out of my existence and spit on me. Its as though I am swimming in an ocean of life's lessons and each lesson is a wave crashing on me and throwing me under the tide. Right as I feel that I am on the breech of gasping air another wave crashes down. I am drowning in this ocean. I just desire to stay afloat for more than a minute.

When I was little I imagined a life with him. (him being the man of my dreams) He would take me on dates and wine and dine me. I would be glamorous, laughing as others walked by not caring about the world because my world resided with him. I imagined being safe with him and in his embrace. That I could fully be me and that he would be passionately in love with who I am and what I stand for. That just being in each others existence was more than enough. Then I woke up to the bitter actualization that I may never ever find him. In this generation it seems like everyone has been with everyone. The man of my dreams has become a nightmare. I have to worry now if a guy takes me out what does he want from me after dinner? Can he not be happy just to spend time with me? Does he even listen to the words coming out of my mouth? Is the laughter just to get in my pants. That the embrace is not safety but a moment of pleasure to soon be discarded and forgotten. Once he gets what he wants why should he stay around? I want a man of virtue to come treat me with an ounce of respect. Is he real or is this an illusion of my imagination?

through the trees

I was alone in the forest, the wind rushed around the trees hitting my face softly. Sunshine made the leaves glitter. This moment in time is where i wished forever would reside. I want to find someone who would walk with me in the woods without saying anything, and soak up the beauty around us that God created. I have been thinking a lot lately about life and love and where I am headed and what God has in store for my life.

Confusion has been knocking at my door. Questions of why I do not let people in easly shakes me to my core.

I need answers, I need some help here!